Monday, December 2, 2013

The Office Party

Ho ho ho, everyone, and welcome to the fifth annual "Da Bomb" Office Christmas party. Jingle Bells! Hey, Joe, refresh my eggnog, will you, ol' buddy? This stuff makes me feel like a bull at Pamplona, and I'm seeing a red dress over there, whoa Nellie!

I want to thank you all for coming this evening; the party's been a real blast so far and -- whoops, there goes my nog! Somebody better clean that up before the Congo line gets going. Say, Joe, you better get me a fresh one, eh? Top off the ol' nog, I'm coming in for a landing.

First, let me say that as your fearless leader, your big kahuna, your head cheese, I feel a swell of pride this evening. Just look at you guys — all dressed up for the holidays like that. Wow, especially you, Candice! You're usually so shy, so reserved, so... turtlenecky. But tonight you look scrumptious! What's that you're wearing, cleavage? Beautiful. Just like a high class lady of the evening. Or a news anchor.

I — what is this? The podium? It keeps moving. Someone hold this thing down before it gets away. 

The buffet is just tremendous, and I appreciate you all bringing a dish to pass this year. That really helped stretch that Christmas party budget, which is great because we were able to afford those lovely decorations at a sizable discount. I just wish it woulda been something more Christmassy, but hey, they sure set a festive and somewhat patriotic mood, what with that firecracker of a spread. Just don't try Bob's special mock seafood salad. We think that's what gave the guys in accounting the trots, and we're very sorry about that. As a rule, don't eat anything with the word "mock" in it and you'll be fine. Just for future reference.

Okay, what've we got here? Christmas bonuses? Yes, this is usually when I pass out the bonus checks, isn't it? And — Joe, someone seems to have emptied my — thank you.

In lieu of Christmas bonuses this year, I thought we'd try something a little different. I've composed a song and I'm going to sing it to you now. I've brought along my ukulele so's I might serenade you with a lovely ditty. Ed, my ukulele, please. Where's Ed? He's not still hanging out in the supply closet with Janice, is he? If Ed's wife is still around here... oh, there you are, my dear. Maybe you can fetch me my ukulele. Just ask Ed where it is. Supply closet's the second door there on your left. Just past the drinking fountain.

Maybe someone should take that coat rack out of her hand first? Thank you. 

In the meantime, I'd like to propose a toast. A toast to all of you, my wonderful employees. As soon as Joe gets this tumbler filled. There we go. I've worked with you all these many years, and you've stuck by me and this company through thick and thin. And thinner. I'll be so very sad, indeed, when I have to spring it on you that we're going under. Oops. Did those words just fall out of my mouth? Gosh, I'm sorry, folks, and here I meant to break the news in song, all peaceful and Kumbaya-like. Probably just the 'nog talking. 

HO HO HO! Don't worry, layoffs won't begin until after the New Year, so you can just relax and enjoy the holidays. January second is a long way off yet. Hey, everybody, look on the bright side: You won't be fired till next year! So cheers! I think I’ll sit down now. Kumbayah.


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